"How to Overcome a Broken Heart"
Yep. I've GTS (googled that... stuff).
Okay- first of all: I google pretty much everything.
And second of all: Yes. My heart really hurt so badly that I had to turned to the internet for any sort of me solace I could receive.
Haha. Just picture it: me, laying curled up in bed- a tear-stained, mascara smeared face, faintly lit by the lonely glow of my iPad screen at 2 AM. Oh, its miserable. And I'm sure I looked far more pathetic than you are imagining.
You want to know what it pulled up? I was really mesmerized and disturbed all at once...
There was a video I watched that discussed how the person least invested in the relationship is the one with the control. That's right. So if you want to wear the pants in the relationship- you simply have to care less about the relationship than the other person.
Fascinating, right?! I thought back on previous relationships and it was totally true. I am one to push people away and not invite people in. So the majority of the time starting into a relationship I want the relationship far less than the guy. But I can tell the power shift when I am finally okay with having him, and actually WANTING him to be in my life.
But this is also totally disturbing in a sense, isn't it? I mean, here this movie (its actually a program) telling you that not only do you want to maintain the control in the relationship, but that you shouldn't care about losing people.
Okay, so i'm sure that's NOT what it was actually portraying, but something very close.... or at least that's what I perceived.
One of my ex-boyfriends actually expressed that he was hurt and didn't like that I never expressed that I wanted him around. (I felt like I did... but don't ever want people to feel obligated to spend time with me. Me telling him "its up to you" was in his mind, me telling him I didn't care. We all have our own way of expressing things... and I am trying to improve since that feedback.)
Its really just a double edged sword, in my opinion. I firmly believe you need to be independent and not rely on another person for happiness or self-worth. But I also believe there is a beauty that comes from opening yourself up, becoming vulnerable, and letting someone into every aspect of your life.
Oh man....
It hurts SO BAD if they choose to walk away once you let them in....
And for so long after.
But how do you know unless you really give it your all?
So I am not judging this program or saying it is bad. It honestly brought me a lot of solace that night.
I'm just saying its such a gamble of opening up and putting it all out there in hopes of finding a person who's willing to go "all in" with you.
I'll leave it up to you how much you want to invest with the warning that you never know if the person will give you a bull or a bear market return on your investment value....
But you have to take the risk, right?
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
My Future Husband
I had to chuckle to myself after my last post.
PLEASE believe me when I say I am not perfect, nor do I expect perfect. I layed out why I "didn't like" some of the previous guys I had gone on dates with. I really believe that two people can fully accept and love each other for who they are- but things have to feel right.
In "The Single's Ward" movie, there is a girl that says things like:
"My husband will be able to lift 500 pounds." and
"My husband will cook dinner every night."
(I don't actually know the exact lines from the movie, but they are exaggerated and funny.)
At the end of the movie, it rolls through the "Happy Endings" for all the characters and who they married. This girl with unattainable high standards, ends up marrying a big, burly trucker... not at all who you expect for her and her impossible standards.
So you know... my dream of finding a tall, strapping, flannel-wearing, beard-growing, tree-cutting lumber jack means I will probably get married to:
PLEASE believe me when I say I am not perfect, nor do I expect perfect. I layed out why I "didn't like" some of the previous guys I had gone on dates with. I really believe that two people can fully accept and love each other for who they are- but things have to feel right.
In "The Single's Ward" movie, there is a girl that says things like:
"My husband will be able to lift 500 pounds." and
"My husband will cook dinner every night."
(I don't actually know the exact lines from the movie, but they are exaggerated and funny.)
At the end of the movie, it rolls through the "Happy Endings" for all the characters and who they married. This girl with unattainable high standards, ends up marrying a big, burly trucker... not at all who you expect for her and her impossible standards.
So you know... my dream of finding a tall, strapping, flannel-wearing, beard-growing, tree-cutting lumber jack means I will probably get married to:
Yet I will love him, because he is mine!
PS- While I do like tall, strapping, flannel-wearing, beard-growing, tree-cutting lumber jacks, please don't think that is actual criteria.
PPS- Once, on a cruise to Alaska, I stopped in Juno and went to a lumberjack show. The audience is divided and we were supposed to cheer for a team. "My team" won an event and one of the lumberjacks gave me a tree ring (like a giant chunk of the tree) as a souvenir. We totally had a moment!!! ;) One step closer!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
How to Break up with a Boy
Oh breakups.
Are they ever easy? Even for the breaker?
First off- I have a rule of three dates. I will go on a date with any guy three times. I look at it this way: Everyone has an off day and because of nervousness and awkwardness, most first dates are not the best. The second date could be better, but sometimes its not. If by the third date, we haven't hit it off, we probably won't.
Remember Plastic Boy?
First two dates? Not so great. Third date: went amazingly well, so we went on a fourth, (which ended up being much like the first). Luckily- I think we both realized we had very little in common and besides a few cordial texts, there was no reason to discuss anything further.
I don't normally feel a relationship is very serious after three dates, so I use what I call the "Fade-away" approach and slowly stop answering calls and texts until he gets the hint, and then if he persists, try to come up with the nicest way to tell him its not working out. Probably the worst thing you can do. But I figure it kind of preps him and I REALLY try to deliver it in a way I would like to receive it. But really. What is the right thing to say?
Oh the classic: "Its not you, its me."
The most famous breakup line in all of history... The default breakup phrase.
Yup. I've used it and yup, I've had it used one me.
Since September, I had been on four dates with Dallin. In September, I got tickets to a baseball game and wanted a reason to get out of the house. When I called to invite him, I LITERALLY knew five things about this guy and one of those things was his name. He had to decline, but invited me out another night. It was a good first date.
We texted and spoke occasionally and he kept mentioning doing something again. In November (two months later) I had tickets to a basketball game, and again decided to invite him. It was... educational. He was demeaning about a few things I enjoyed and sat on his phone. Next pair of tickets I got were NOT going to used with him.
Two weeks later, I received a text from him saying, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm interested, but I want to take things slow."
MIND BLOWN.
I get taking things slow... but two dates in three months?!?!? That is not just slow... but non-existant in my book.
Third date: I was pretty sure was going to be the end the relationship- but it went extremely well. It was fun and we were able to have great conversation.
Fourth date- he was a little controlling on the date and has also noticed this in a few of our side interactions between dates.
The holidays came and went and we had little contact for a mont. I figured it was over for both of us. When I came back into town, I felt he seeking me out. He came to a game night I co-host every week and gave another girl a ride. He text me later to let me know that "She just needed a ride." (No prodding from me... I really couldn't have cared less.) All in all- we had a quick conversation about once a week.
He kept texting me and mentioning how our "schedules didn't match up" (though we only spoke on Sundays and never mentioned schedules).
I didn't want him to continue to waste his time, so after a little coaching from a co-worker, I text him.
ME: Hey Dallin, so I just want to be transparent and let you know that I think you are super awesome, but I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship.
DALLIN: That is okay. Thank you for letting me know. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Let me share with you another view: I can chalk up many reasons for it not working; including: His toes are too hairy, he can't grow a beard, I don't like the way he drives, he wears too many rings, he has a bad credit score... (Yes. All reasons I wasn't sold on different guys). BUT the fact of the matter is: If we clicked... If our pheromones matched or whatever you want to say it is... wouldn't I look past the hairy toes and the not so hairy chin? Ultimately, its not his fault.
It really IS me, and not him.
So while I did view him as controlling and rude- I don't feel as thought that's my feedback to give, is it?
ME: I really think you are great. I just don't feel like we're clicking. I'd still like to be friends though.
DALLIN: I agree with being friends and us not clicking. I really appreciate your honestly and would love to stay friends. :)
While I think it is ridiculously awkward to ask for feedback, it was a bold move.
Yes, the post title is deceiving. I don't actually know the best way to break up with someone... I just always try to be kind. I've learned in my life that people are honestly going through so much that we have no idea about.
If anyone DOES know the mysteries of how to avoid awkwardness or make a break up super easy... you ought to let the rest of us in on the secret!
Are they ever easy? Even for the breaker?
First off- I have a rule of three dates. I will go on a date with any guy three times. I look at it this way: Everyone has an off day and because of nervousness and awkwardness, most first dates are not the best. The second date could be better, but sometimes its not. If by the third date, we haven't hit it off, we probably won't.
Remember Plastic Boy?
First two dates? Not so great. Third date: went amazingly well, so we went on a fourth, (which ended up being much like the first). Luckily- I think we both realized we had very little in common and besides a few cordial texts, there was no reason to discuss anything further.
I don't normally feel a relationship is very serious after three dates, so I use what I call the "Fade-away" approach and slowly stop answering calls and texts until he gets the hint, and then if he persists, try to come up with the nicest way to tell him its not working out. Probably the worst thing you can do. But I figure it kind of preps him and I REALLY try to deliver it in a way I would like to receive it. But really. What is the right thing to say?
Oh the classic: "Its not you, its me."
The most famous breakup line in all of history... The default breakup phrase.
Yup. I've used it and yup, I've had it used one me.
Since September, I had been on four dates with Dallin. In September, I got tickets to a baseball game and wanted a reason to get out of the house. When I called to invite him, I LITERALLY knew five things about this guy and one of those things was his name. He had to decline, but invited me out another night. It was a good first date.
We texted and spoke occasionally and he kept mentioning doing something again. In November (two months later) I had tickets to a basketball game, and again decided to invite him. It was... educational. He was demeaning about a few things I enjoyed and sat on his phone. Next pair of tickets I got were NOT going to used with him.
Two weeks later, I received a text from him saying, "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I'm interested, but I want to take things slow."
MIND BLOWN.
I get taking things slow... but two dates in three months?!?!? That is not just slow... but non-existant in my book.
Third date: I was pretty sure was going to be the end the relationship- but it went extremely well. It was fun and we were able to have great conversation.
Fourth date- he was a little controlling on the date and has also noticed this in a few of our side interactions between dates.
The holidays came and went and we had little contact for a mont. I figured it was over for both of us. When I came back into town, I felt he seeking me out. He came to a game night I co-host every week and gave another girl a ride. He text me later to let me know that "She just needed a ride." (No prodding from me... I really couldn't have cared less.) All in all- we had a quick conversation about once a week.
He kept texting me and mentioning how our "schedules didn't match up" (though we only spoke on Sundays and never mentioned schedules).
I didn't want him to continue to waste his time, so after a little coaching from a co-worker, I text him.
ME: Hey Dallin, so I just want to be transparent and let you know that I think you are super awesome, but I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship beyond friendship.
DALLIN: That is okay. Thank you for letting me know. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Let me share with you another view: I can chalk up many reasons for it not working; including: His toes are too hairy, he can't grow a beard, I don't like the way he drives, he wears too many rings, he has a bad credit score... (Yes. All reasons I wasn't sold on different guys). BUT the fact of the matter is: If we clicked... If our pheromones matched or whatever you want to say it is... wouldn't I look past the hairy toes and the not so hairy chin? Ultimately, its not his fault.
It really IS me, and not him.
So while I did view him as controlling and rude- I don't feel as thought that's my feedback to give, is it?
ME: I really think you are great. I just don't feel like we're clicking. I'd still like to be friends though.
DALLIN: I agree with being friends and us not clicking. I really appreciate your honestly and would love to stay friends. :)
While I think it is ridiculously awkward to ask for feedback, it was a bold move.
Yes, the post title is deceiving. I don't actually know the best way to break up with someone... I just always try to be kind. I've learned in my life that people are honestly going through so much that we have no idea about.
If anyone DOES know the mysteries of how to avoid awkwardness or make a break up super easy... you ought to let the rest of us in on the secret!
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Things aren't always as they appear...
Appearances.
I've learned that they are completely false at least half the time. And probably another quarter of the time- we just never learn the other side of the story.
Around this time two years ago, I started dating a guy, "David." Things went really great for a while and we began talking about getting married- he even wanted to go pick out a ring, but I wasn't quite ready for that. What appeared to my parents, he was the perfect guy for me. He was white, a returned missionary, had a career in the banking industry all set to go. Perfect right?
One small thing... He was addicted to pornography.
Really, that is not such a small thing. When David first told me his problem, I was speechless and not even sure what that meant. As we continued dating and I learned more, it became a whirlwind of confusion, self-doubt, pity, concern, and resolve that we would get through it together. It continually put a strain on our relationship and continually caused disagreements since even a "How are you doing?" made him feel I was "checking in" on him. It ended up being such a difficult thing to deal with that I would bawl for whole days because I didn't know what to do to help, if I should stay in the relationship, or one of the millions of other questions that constantly swirled in my head.
My sisters, who are my confidants, knew the whole situation, though no one else in the family knew anything besides what was portrayed to them.
Eventually, things ended with David.
Fast forward six months and I start dating another guy, "Abu." As far as my parents were concerned, Abu was anything but perfect. He was of Palestinian decent (No need to tell me how wrong they are. Its how they were raised) and wasn't a member of the LDS Church (though that would change later in the relationship).
But here's the thing: Abu and I got along amazing well. We could talk about anything, laugh about everything, and could be completely ridiculous together. We would spend every moment we could together and never got sick of each other. I was plagued with some illness or another from February to May and he never left my side. We were best friends and being with him made me really happy. It was really a great relationship. We too, were talking about marriage.
The fact that I knew my parents didn't like him and support the relationship made it difficult.
Later, I discovered he wasn't being completely honest with me and our ability to work though disagreements was.... far beyond sub-par.
Things eventually ended there too.
I have had many conversations with my parents about how Abu made me happy and their discontent made the relationship difficult. Sometimes David's name is still brought up. If my parents know the whole story, I know they would feel differently than they do.
I suppose this is why we are taught not to judge. No body besides the person living the life knows the whole story. Though we think we can see everything going on, things are not always as they appear.
I've learned that they are completely false at least half the time. And probably another quarter of the time- we just never learn the other side of the story.
Around this time two years ago, I started dating a guy, "David." Things went really great for a while and we began talking about getting married- he even wanted to go pick out a ring, but I wasn't quite ready for that. What appeared to my parents, he was the perfect guy for me. He was white, a returned missionary, had a career in the banking industry all set to go. Perfect right?
One small thing... He was addicted to pornography.
Really, that is not such a small thing. When David first told me his problem, I was speechless and not even sure what that meant. As we continued dating and I learned more, it became a whirlwind of confusion, self-doubt, pity, concern, and resolve that we would get through it together. It continually put a strain on our relationship and continually caused disagreements since even a "How are you doing?" made him feel I was "checking in" on him. It ended up being such a difficult thing to deal with that I would bawl for whole days because I didn't know what to do to help, if I should stay in the relationship, or one of the millions of other questions that constantly swirled in my head.
My sisters, who are my confidants, knew the whole situation, though no one else in the family knew anything besides what was portrayed to them.
Eventually, things ended with David.
Fast forward six months and I start dating another guy, "Abu." As far as my parents were concerned, Abu was anything but perfect. He was of Palestinian decent (No need to tell me how wrong they are. Its how they were raised) and wasn't a member of the LDS Church (though that would change later in the relationship).
But here's the thing: Abu and I got along amazing well. We could talk about anything, laugh about everything, and could be completely ridiculous together. We would spend every moment we could together and never got sick of each other. I was plagued with some illness or another from February to May and he never left my side. We were best friends and being with him made me really happy. It was really a great relationship. We too, were talking about marriage.
The fact that I knew my parents didn't like him and support the relationship made it difficult.
Later, I discovered he wasn't being completely honest with me and our ability to work though disagreements was.... far beyond sub-par.
Things eventually ended there too.
I have had many conversations with my parents about how Abu made me happy and their discontent made the relationship difficult. Sometimes David's name is still brought up. If my parents know the whole story, I know they would feel differently than they do.
I suppose this is why we are taught not to judge. No body besides the person living the life knows the whole story. Though we think we can see everything going on, things are not always as they appear.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Surprise! I'm... Single.
Christmas has just come and gone: The season of family get-togethers.
I became painfully aware of my singledom at one such family get-together. I hadn't thought much of going until I showed up and realized that everyone had someone but me. Well... I have my little brother who is about to leave on his mission... but that's not the kind of "someone" I'm referring to.
Shake it off, Allison.
Then... in the middle of dinner, my cousin, who is 20, announces that she is pregnant and due at the beginning of July.
While I am so happy for her and know she will be an amazing mom, the news stings. Here I am 27, and don't feel as though I don't even have any real prospects for marriage. And she is 20 and seems to have her life all together.
Again- I am totally okay with where and who I am in my life.... at least the majority of days. There are those days that sneak in and I feel that I AM waiting to find my "Prince Charming" and my "Happily Ever After" to begin. This day was already one of those days. The Holidays are a time for Family and being together and when you are the only one snuggling with an old pillow- you can only take so many blows.
So realizing I am the only single one at the family? Blow one.
Cousin announcing she is pregnant: Blow two.
Trying to brush it all off- I start talking to my cousin's wife who is my same age. I step away for a moment and my mom pulls me aside and says, "You should ask Ashley if she has any friends she can introduce you to."
Blow three.
I am ashamed to say I did not respond to that comment with the grace I normally strive for.
But seriously. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. Just shoot me. As if I am not already painfully aware of the fact that I am the only one of marriageable status that is NOT married- it has to be pointed out.... Time and time again.
Yes. I love my family and I love being an aunt.
Yes. I love that I have the time and energy to organize my closet by color and sleeve length and I can spend my money however I want.
I love that I can go to bed and wake up whenever I want and run my own schedule.
I love I can take vacations when I please.
There are so many things I REALLY love about my life.
Yes. I want to be married.
Yes. I want to have a family of my own.
Sure. I think that I could just go find some guy and marry him, and maybe it would all work out. But can't I hold out for someone that gives me butterflies? That even the very thought of him drives me crazy and makes my heart flutter?
No. I'm not perfect and I don't think I expect perfect.
But don't assume that just because I'm single, that I don't long to be married some days, or that I need it pointed out.
One day maybe I will find Mr. Right. Until then I will be snuggling with my pillow and holding out for my stomach to get butterflies and my heart to flutter. I will also be soaking up time with nieces and nephew, probably be vacationing in Hawaii and spending my money in irresponsible and exuberant ways, and soaking up all life has to offer to this single sister.
I became painfully aware of my singledom at one such family get-together. I hadn't thought much of going until I showed up and realized that everyone had someone but me. Well... I have my little brother who is about to leave on his mission... but that's not the kind of "someone" I'm referring to.
Shake it off, Allison.
Then... in the middle of dinner, my cousin, who is 20, announces that she is pregnant and due at the beginning of July.
While I am so happy for her and know she will be an amazing mom, the news stings. Here I am 27, and don't feel as though I don't even have any real prospects for marriage. And she is 20 and seems to have her life all together.
Again- I am totally okay with where and who I am in my life.... at least the majority of days. There are those days that sneak in and I feel that I AM waiting to find my "Prince Charming" and my "Happily Ever After" to begin. This day was already one of those days. The Holidays are a time for Family and being together and when you are the only one snuggling with an old pillow- you can only take so many blows.
So realizing I am the only single one at the family? Blow one.
Cousin announcing she is pregnant: Blow two.
Trying to brush it all off- I start talking to my cousin's wife who is my same age. I step away for a moment and my mom pulls me aside and says, "You should ask Ashley if she has any friends she can introduce you to."
Blow three.
I am ashamed to say I did not respond to that comment with the grace I normally strive for.
But seriously. Even writing this brings tears to my eyes. Just shoot me. As if I am not already painfully aware of the fact that I am the only one of marriageable status that is NOT married- it has to be pointed out.... Time and time again.
Yes. I love my family and I love being an aunt.
Yes. I love that I have the time and energy to organize my closet by color and sleeve length and I can spend my money however I want.
I love that I can go to bed and wake up whenever I want and run my own schedule.
I love I can take vacations when I please.
There are so many things I REALLY love about my life.
Yes. I want to be married.
Yes. I want to have a family of my own.
Sure. I think that I could just go find some guy and marry him, and maybe it would all work out. But can't I hold out for someone that gives me butterflies? That even the very thought of him drives me crazy and makes my heart flutter?
No. I'm not perfect and I don't think I expect perfect.
But don't assume that just because I'm single, that I don't long to be married some days, or that I need it pointed out.
One day maybe I will find Mr. Right. Until then I will be snuggling with my pillow and holding out for my stomach to get butterflies and my heart to flutter. I will also be soaking up time with nieces and nephew, probably be vacationing in Hawaii and spending my money in irresponsible and exuberant ways, and soaking up all life has to offer to this single sister.
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